Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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