i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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