Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
