I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
