She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
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Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.