I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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