I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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