Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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