if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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