Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
