Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
