can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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