OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
