Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
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Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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