i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
