happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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