I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
