i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
