i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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