tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
