i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
