I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
