I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
