I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
