he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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