My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
