Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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