I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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