Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
