I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
do nipples grow back?
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