I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
