i just sent this text using only my big toe
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
