If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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