listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
