He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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