I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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