Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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