i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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