my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
