So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
