ya dads aren't the best wingmen
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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