I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
