my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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