I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
