I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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