I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
