I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
