cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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