I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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