please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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