she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
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Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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