I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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