Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
