ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
im having a threesome with these popsicles
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize